what it's like to lose a parent at a young age...

MAGNIFICENTLY MCKINNLEY: Blog #13

Before I begin this blog, I just want to state that this was one of the hardest pieces of work that I have ever written. I have been tossing and turning and writing and deleting and contemplating each day whether or not I should, or more or less if I even could, write a work such as this.

I am the type of person that falls short of being able to express feelings and emotions in a way in which I wish I could. For those of you close to me, you know one of the terms I use to describe how I express emotion is "push it down deep and keep moving". This has been the way I have always faced emotion in my life, by pushing that feeling deep down into my body, feeling it for only a very few moments, and then picking myself back up and moving on with life. 

Now you are probably thinking to yourself, "well, that doesn't seem very healthy..." and you're right, it doesn't. But that is how I have taught myself to deal with emotions, even from a young age. I have been through a lot of ups and downs throughout my life, and have been sad, angry, and disappointed more times than I would like to remember. So instead of feeling those emotions over and over again, it became easier for me to "push it down deep and keep going" and that kind of became my motto for facing emotion. 

(Side note: I am by no means saying I had a terrible life, I have had an amazing life, filled with so many wonderful people and opportunities and memories, I am just stating that I have had to encounter many things that most people do not have to face in this life time, and that I hope no one ever does.) 

Anyway, what I'm really trying to say here is that writing this post was incredibly hard for me. I cried many tears, felt anger, and sorrow, and joy and feelings beyond what I could even describe to you writing this. I wasn't sure if I was going to write this, let alone publish it until I sat down and began to type and incredible little signs smacked me in the face telling me I should. For starters, this is my 13th blog, a sign to me considering this blog is about losing my father, who's birthday was December 13th, a number that always makes me think of him when I see it. Also, today happens to be November 13th... odd coincidence? I think not. And then, I went to turn on my instrumental music (that I listen to any time I write), hit shuffle and of course, a song that reminded me so much of my father started to play, convincing me that it was time to face my own emotions and write a blog such as this. 

As many of you know, or maybe you don't, I lost my father in March of 2016. It was completely unexpected and the most traumatic, heart-wrenching day I have and probably will ever experience in my entire life. I am writing this blog to one, hopefully relate to anyone else out there who has lost a parent at a young age, in a traumatic way, or have just lost a parent at all; two, to hopefully help others, who haven't lost a parent, understand what someone who has lost one is going through; and three, to help as a slightly therapeutic outlet for me to express feeling and emotions in writing that I have never truly expressed out loud. 

A day so engrained in my head that I could still tell you every single detail leading up to the moment I found out that he had passed. The thoughts I had that day still circle through my mind: The feeling of complete and udder disbelief. This isn't real. They are lying to me. How could this be happening to me? This seriously can't be real. Screaming no at the top of lungs, as if saying the word no to all of this sorrow would simply just make it disappear. Then the flood of tears rushing to my face. My body becoming so overcome with sadness and fear that I physically can't stand. And then it's almost as if I blacked out.. I don't remember a single thing after that. Not one. I remember every little minute detail leading up to the news that my father, my best friend, my number one fan, had passed away, and then not a single detail after that. I remember the days following, but yet they are all sort of in one giant blur, a haze of sorrow and misbelief. And to be honest, almost everyday after, even to this day, is still a slight haze of sorrow and misbelief, as this memory plays over and over and over again in my mind ... like a dark cloud I can never escape.

The day I lost my Dad, my whole life changed. Some changes I can grasp and pinpoint exactly when this change happened and why, and others I simply cannot, I guess just somewhere along the way, these pieces of who I am and what I do in life just decided to change on their own without letting me know. If you have lost a parent, whether it be at a young age or not, I imagine you can picture the day too, the day you found out the news, as if it's a film clip stored at the back of your mind that simply only plays and rewinds back to the beginning, no pause, no stop, no fast forward.. only play and rewind and play agin. 

This is one of the many things I never realized would become a part of my daily routine after I lost my father. Now I don't always naturally play this clip over and over again in my mind daily, but the second I think of my father, the second I see something, hear something, do something that reminds me of him, there it is again; play, rewind, play again. A never ending cycle of heart break that simply doesn't stop. 

When you lose a parent, or lose anyone for that matter, they don't give you a hand-out manual on how to handle it, how to grieve, what to expect, how to continue living on in your life without that person, how to move on. I surely wish they did, maybe things would be much easier if someone just told me what to do and how to react. But life doesn't work that way, we don't get manuals for anything important really. There's no manual on how to grow up, how to live, how to love and certainly not one on how to grieve. It is just a constant guessing game, hoping each individual decision you make in life is right, and if it's not, you just hope you can learn from it for the next time. 

I never thought at the age of 17 I would lose my father. I was in my senior year of high school, the year that was supposed to be the best year of my life. I was at the top of my class. I was captain of the soccer team. I was class president. I was everything I wished I ever would be in my senior year of high school, all with a Dad who supported me endlessly in each new endeavor I chose to partake in. I was worried about choosing the right career path, about saying the right things at my speech at graduation, about what college I was going to attend, and about what dress I was going to wear to prom (which thankfully I can still remember the exact reaction my Dad had when he saw my prom dress for the first time, and it still makes me laugh to this day). I surely wasn't worried about how I was going to have to face each of these important life milestones without my father by my side, but before I knew it, that's exactly what I had to do. 

It has been a long road of grieving and repairing pieces of myself that I never thought I would have to repair. Something so traumatic as losing a parent at a young age, completely changes who you are and how you view the world. I would never want to experience these past 3 and a half years over again, nor would I wish it upon any one, but through this loss I have gained many hard-learned lessons that I will carry with me for a lifetime:

I think that the hardest thing that I have had to deal with after the loss of my father is going through each new mile stone in my life without him here to be a part of it. 

Though it has been over 3 years now since I have lost my father, I still feel some type of heart-ache and sorrow with each new life milestone I encounter. Holidays and important life events will NEVER be the same, and this something I will just have to accept and live with. Holidays are hard for anyone who has experienced loss, but this experience changed the meaning of them forever. For my family and myself personally, we changed almost everything about the holidays. Every tradition we had pretty much went out the window. Every thing that we used to do just reminded us of every memory that we had of my father around the holidays, which brought too much sorrow and hurt to these supposably "special" days. And even though we started new traditions, I still remember these memories like they happened yesterday... the exact chair my dad would sit in every Chrsitmas day and catch our crumpled up wrapping paper that we would throw to him (and how he would comment to me every year - "this is why you shouldn't ever play softball"). Every holiday would be forever ruined for me due to the flood of memories, emotions and sorrows that still to this day rushes to me like they never left. It's not only holidays that are ruined for me, its every other "special" day in my life as well. When I went to my senior prom, when I gave my speech at my high school graduation, when I graduated college a year and half early, and every "happy" event yet to come. Each joyous occasion tampered with a mild amount of sadness and disappointment. I wish each and everyday that he could experience these things with me. That he could see every new achievement I accomplish and each new life journey I take on, but that luxury was ripped from me the day my father passed. Now I forever wonder what things would be like if he were there, an emptiness that will never be filled. 

Sometimes, these emotions turn me to silly thoughts of no longer wanting to celebrate joyous occasions because I fear the negative emotions that will come with them. At times, I don't want to celebrate my accomplishments because he isn't here to see them. At times, I don't want to get married because I won't have my father to walk me down the aisle. At times, I don't want to have children because they will never be able to know what their grandfather was like. Everything I used to look forward to now just brings me gloom and resentment. Though I keep pushing, keep moving on, keep achieving the next life goal, I still think to myself "things would be so much different if Dad was here."

Another thing I have learned is that people that haven't experienced this don't get it and that's not their fault. I spent the first year or so after my dad passed being bitter because people just didn't get it, they couldn't empathize or understand what I was going through, what I felt, what I needed. But then I realized it wasn't their fault, and I should be happy they don't understand. I would never wish this experience on anyone, and I am grateful that people my age, or my brother's age, have never had to experience this kind of pain. It is awful and traumatizing and though I still slightly resent when people ignorantly say they know what I am going through, I remind myself that I am thankful that they truly don't because it is the most awful thing I have ever had to go through. 

One thing I can't stand since the loss of my father is when people complain about their parents to me. Yes, not everyone gets along with their parents all of the time, I surely never did and still don't, but when people complain to me time and time again about their parents or when they refuse to speak to them, my stomach turns and my heart aches. I would give anything to have my dad yell at me over grades, or ask me to put socks on my feet because the floors are cold, or tell me he doesn't like my new boyfriend. I would give anything for my dad to give me a hard time again or ground me for getting home too late. I would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and tell my dad all about my day, to tell him I love him, to hug him again, to cry into his big, comforting shoulder. When people complain to me about their parents, it makes me mad that they can't appreciate the love and care that their parents are giving them. They aren't appreciating the fact that they still have parents and have that bond with them. I would give anything to trade places with them, and therefore I can't ever sympathize with their complaints.

Another big thing I have learned through the loss of my father is that it's okay to not be okay. I've been through my fair share of life obstacles, but I've always maintained the mantra that things were fine. However, when this earth-shattering experience happened, I couldn't be okay, no matter how hard I tried. I learned to accept that it was okay to admit that I was in pain, that I wasn't okay. I have also learned how to put myself first. I have always been a giver, and still am. Though I would still do anything for anyone I love, I have learned to focus on me too. After experiencing this pain, I became empty and unable to offer much. I realized that I can't be as supportive and selfless towards others because I'm using all the energy I have on just getting through the day. I have learned to understand and accept that I have to take care of myself before I can offer anything to another person.

Additionally since the loss of my dad, I have made an extreme effort to make the bonds between myself and other loved ones much stronger. The people that did understand what I was going through became so much more important to me. I depend on them, I lean on them, I seek shelter in them and I use their increased love to fill the void that I have in my heart where my father's love once was. Not only that, but I now understand how easy it is to lose someone so important to you. It made me cherish the people I have more than I ever did before. It made me want to hold onto them stronger. The loss showed me how important the people in my life are to me. And I get so enraged when others don't give me the same respect and appreciation. I wish every one of my loved ones would also want that bond that we have to grow stronger was well. I constantly think to myself "You or I could be gone tomorrow, in the blink of an eye... would you be satisfied with the bond that we had?" 

In relation to this, one of the biggest things I have struggled with is regret surrounding my father's death. I don't think I will ever be able to let go of the feeling of that "maybe if I did things differently, he would still be here." Maybe if I said I love you more, or hugged him more, or spent less time on things that didn't matter as much and more time with him that just maybe things would be different or just maybe I would be able to cope with the loss better. I have learned that I will always second guess everything leading up to that moment and will continue to second guess every moment past it. Am I there enough for my family? Do I spend every moment I can with them? Do I tell them how much they mean to me enough, how much I love them? These are thoughts that race through my mind every single day and I don't think will ever stop. 

This being said, I have truly become more affectionate and more attached (this coming from a pretty independent person). I don't want to lose the people that are still in my life. I constantly want to show them how much they mean to me and remind them all the time. I can't explain the feeling unless you've experienced this, but once you do it makes you want to hold on to the people around you tighter, makes you want to show them how important they are to you. It makes you need the affection and love from these people to help you heal from what you have lost, to remind yourself that there are still people in your life that are important and that care about you. 

That you are still loved. 

I have also learned to choose my words more carefully. To this day I regret the last few words I said to my father, or actually the few words that I didn't get the chance to say. I never realized how much my word choice affected me until I lost someone I loved. I now understand the weight words hold and the importance they have. I am more aware of how I speak to people. I now say “I love you," every single time before I say goodbye, no matter how angry I am. Because if this is the last time I talk to them, I want to make sure that they know. I want them to always know how I feel about them and that I love them. That small painful reminder is always in the back of my head about how important words are.

I now also worry about everything all of the time, something I never did before my dad passed. Life has now taught me that losing someone can happen in the blink of an eye. This makes me worried and paranoid about all the things that can happen to the people closest to me. When someone is supposed to come over and doesn't, I worry. When someone doesn't answer their phone, I worry. When someone says text/call me ASAP, I instantly start thinking about all of the worst case scenarios, and everything that could have gone wrong. And the relief I feel when I finally hear from them is unexplainable. The potential of losing someone else closest to me is too much to bare again, and I know the risk is always there. 

I have learned to let the majority of things go. I have learned to move on and to live with things that I can't change. I have learned not to waste time. I now understand that life is not forever, how time is always ticking away. I have learned to not take anything less than what I deserve, and to never waste time. I am more honest and upfront with people because I understand there's no point in wasting anyone's time either. I have lost and overcome something unbelievably important, which means I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. I now realize how important my time and life is. I won't waste it on something or someone that doesn't measure up. I started to seek out things that only brought meaning to me or that would fill the hole in my chest. I want to experience life for my dad, for everything he is missing out on. I want to make his loss worth it by knowing I gave life everything I had for him. 

One of the greatest things I have learned is that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I never expected this to happen to me, never mind that I would have to make it through this. Yet here I am, I did it, and I made it. And after overcoming something like this, I realized that nothing will ever stop me, because none of life's obstacles will ever amount to this tragedy. Once I've survived this I realized I can survive literally anything life throws at me. I began to realize my strengths and my assets. I learned how to love myself again, instead of blaming myself. I learned to start realizing and appreciating the good things about myself and the importance of self-love. 

My father always told me that I was so much more than I ever thought of myself and it took me losing him to realize that. I don't stress over trying to be perfect anymore because I am an incredible human being just by being myself. I can now face anything this life throws at me because I am stronger, more resilient and a better human being than I ever was. It took the loss of my father to realize all of the amazing qualities I posses and to put to use all of the incredible lessons he has taught me. I began to appreciate all of the parts of myself that came from my father and to cherish all of the traits, values, ideals and characteristics he passed on to me because they make me connected to him, though we are no longer connected in the physical world. My father helped shape me in to the person I have become and has a strong presence in the life that I now lead. I appreciate and cherish everything he has done for me and will forever remember all of the wonderful things about him. 

The number one thing I have learned though is to never take anyone for granted.

Never take a single person, experience, memory, or moment for granted. Everything you currently have can be lost in an instant, without any warning. You learn to appreciate every little good thing in your life and disregard the bad because it's nothing compared to what has been. You have learned what is important in life, and what is not. Your meaning of life has changed forever.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't think of my father or miss him. This experience has changed me to my core, changed how I view myself, how I see life, and how I interact with other people. I will carry the weight of this tragedy around with me for the rest of my life, and the lessons I have learned because of it forever. I pray that if you are reading this that it helped you, whether it be to help you cope with a loss or helped you understand what I, or many other people like me who have experienced loss, have gone through. I pray that you hug your loved ones or call them tonight and tell them you love them and appreciate them. I pray that you realize all of the incredible strengths that you have within you. I pray that you learn to live life, to let go, to focus on the important stuff, to make time for yourself. I pray that it doesn't take a devastating loss for you to realize all of these things. I ask that if you know someone who has experienced loss, that you share this with them, and that you keep in mind these points when speaking to them. Grieving is one of the most life changing and soul changing experiences and I am not the same person I once was. 

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live on." - Norman Cousins

To my father, I love you forever. I miss you every day of my life. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here. I hope you knew how much I loved you. I hope you are proud of me and I wish you could see the beautiful person you helped shape me into. You taught me how to love. You have shown me the value of life. And most importantly, you have given me purpose.

My Daddy will always be my Heart.

Sincerely, McKinnley ♥