HOW TO BE SINGLE!! (& enjoy being it)
MAGNIFICENTLY MCKINNLEY: Blog #10
Hello and Welcome Back to the Blog!! It has been a little bit since I have written a full blog. (which I feel like I say this every time I write on the blog!) I have been trying to post a bit more on the Instagram page to keep you guys up to date, so if you don't follow it already, GO FOLLOW! (:
Okay, so today we are talking about HOW TO BE SINGLE! And how to actually enjoy being it! If you know me, you know I have been pretty much single for a while (despite intermittent flings, some dates and hang outs here and there, and some talking and texting that amounts to nothing). Now I have had boyfriends in the past, but nothing amounting to anything longterm (never once even hitting a year long relationship). I have considered myself "single" since about high school, so for about 4 years or so now. Now, I have had some flings in-between there, just none that ever amounted to anything more than a "summer-loving" type of fling, like you hear about in the movie Grease. Now these flings never amounted to a full relationship because life happens, people fear commitment, people get busy, and sometimes things just weren't meant to work out. So aside from this, I consider myself to be single for awhile, mostly by choice on my behalf, but external factors of course play into this.
I consider myself a pretty independent person. I enjoy living my life, not having to answer to anyone and being able to do what I want to do when I want to. I also always say that I can figure out anything on my own and that I don't need a man to do things for me, which is true, but I should learn to be a bit less independent at times. I attribute this to the Gemini in me: wanting freedom, and constantly changing from one thing to the next. I get bored easily and if someone can't hold my attention intellectually, I am done and off to the next. I know that this isn't one of my best qualities, but in my opinion, would anyone really want someone who doesn't stimulate their mind and keep things fun and interesting?? So like I said, the main reason I am single is due to me, due to this independence, but also due to my busy schedule and life aspirations. Going to PA school and doing a 5 year program in 4 years, does not leave me much time to socialize and go out and meet people. I also don't let my love life interfere with my school/work life, so if I have to choose one, I always choose school first, because that is most important to me. So most times, it just feels like I don have enough time to put into another person - or even enough time to find another person. But aside from all of these personal attributes that keep me single, there are also many external factors that keep me single as well, such as guys who play games, ghost me, and guys who just aren't looking for relationships right now. (Which I am not saying that only guys do this, because we all do! It's our culture today, which is sad, but true.)
Now, I have been totally okay with being single for these past 4-ish years of my life, up until about now. I don't know what it was or how it even happened but once I turned 21, it was kind of like life hit me in the face. I don't know if it was purely my age, or the fact I've been single for so long, or that most of my close friends were in serious, long-term relationships, or the fact that I have just gotten so settled into a way of life between working regular hours for clinicals - which has made me feel much more "adult"-ish; but whether it was one specific thing or all of them combined together, I felt this strange need to be with someone, to share my life with someone, to be close to someone.
So for this period of time, I had been slightly upset and anxious over not having someone to do these things with. I am still very independent and busy with my life but I began to feel a lack of love and support that I felt I might be needing to find in a man.
It has taken me my whole life and probably will take me much more of it to realize that I don't need to find love and support in someone else, though it might be nice to share a love and support with someone else, I realized that I needed to find it in myself first.
I think the best part about being single is being able to learn about you and who you really are: what you like, what you dislike, what's important to you, how you like to spend your time, how you act outside of a relationship, and what you are truly looking for in your next. I always say that you can't love another until you learn to love yourself first. You can't expect someone to save you, fix you, or love you until you can do this all for yourself. And until you get comfortable being alone, you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of love or loneliness.
So how do we do this? How do we get comfortable being alone and be happy being single?
One: Remember that a significant other should complement your life (not complete it) - If you feel empty or incomplete because you are single, I would recommend some inner soul searching (I've had to do this many times). You should be happy with or without a significant other, and if you aren't, then maybe you should question "are you happy with yourself?" Don't look for happiness in another person because people come and go and change all of the time. But if you choose happiness in yourself, no matter your relationship label, you will be content with or without someone there, because you know you can be happy with just you, and the extra person is just an added bonus. ;)
Two: Use this time to find yourself! People often get lost in a relationship, especially in long term ones because you grow with that person and spend years of your life with them by your side. So when they aren't, you often feel lost and confused, like you don't know who you are without them. Take this time to reflect on your life. What do you want from life? What are your goals? Are you happy where you are now? What are you passionate about? What do you like to do? What are you looking for in others? What are you looking for in you? - Find what energizes you and purse it. Find things that make you happy and do them often. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new. Do something you never thought you could do alone. Learn how to live alone. Learn how to take care of your own money, how to manage your own bills, your own schedule, and do things around the house you never thought you could. Learn to love every inch of yourself and this will radiate onto others! If you love you, others can't help but love you too. Be confident and know that you can do anything you set your mind to.
Three: Diversify you friend group and find others to lean on for support and guidance. Having a good friend group is, in my opinion, the key to being able to be happy single. Find friends who will support you, love you, and do things with you. Find other single people to be inspired by and to reflect with. I'm not saying having friends in relationships is a bad thing because it's not at all, it just at times can make you upset or jealous of their relationships and steer you off of your soul-searching path. Get closer to your family, catch up with relatives or long-lost friends. If you're having a bad day, shift your focus to others. Go out with friends, help someone out, volunteer, get involved in a club/ministry/team, whatever you can do to shift your focus off of yourself and onto someone else, which will help you make more friends and feel good about yourself.
Four: Embrace your new freedom wholeheartedly. If you feel like going on a spontaneous trip, a shopping spree, pampering yourself, going out and partying, binge-watching your favorite shows, or burying your head in a book; do it! You no longer have to consult anyone or answer to anyone. You can do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. You also now have more alone time and time to focus on you and all the things you've been "meaning to do" or putting off because your significant other didn't want to or couldn't. Another positive is that you no longer have to deal with anyone else's problems, baggage, or negativity. You can focus on your own, if you have any, and learn how to turn them into positives in you life so you don't bring them into another future relationship.
Live a full life - don't wait for another person to do the things you've always wanted to do.
Five: Build and deepen your relationship with God or a higher power. If you have a healthy and loving relationship with God, a relationship that is based on honesty, trust, and encourages vulnerability, you will be able to bring this strength and deep rooted love into a relationship with a future significant other. A thriving relationship with Christ teaches you that a relationship shouldn't be performance based but built on commitment and sacrifice. The Bible tells us all about relationship truths, and that you need to offer grace and love even if you don't feel like it. Relationships take work and are by no means easy, so if you don't know how to sacrifice or don't value others sacrifices, you will never truly be able to grasp a healthy, honest, happy and vulnerable relationship.
So, embrace being single. So what if you are alone right now! Embrace it. Go shopping alone. Go get coffee alone. Go for a drive alone. Watch movies alone. Get to know yourself. Nothing bad can come from riding whatever wave to self-improvement you're blessed with in this exact moment.
And here are just some words of advice to anyone who stresses being single:
1. Remember that the older you get, the faster relationships progress. You have time, don't worry.
2. Society's pressure is always there no matter what stage of life you're in, so don't think it's just because of where you are now.
3. Remember that if you wanted to be in a relationship, you would be. You just have standards and don't settle for people who aren't right for you.
4. You have all the time in the world to learn and find exactly what you are looking for.
5. Congrats - You aren't in a relationship with the WRONG person right now!
So keep doing you. Keep finding yourself. Keep learning how to be happy being alone. It doesn't come in a day or a week or even a month. It takes time, but it is so worth it. When things are meant to be, they will be. Maybe right now isn't your time to be with someone else. Maybe God is trying to tell you that it is time for you to focus on you: to pursue a hobby, be passionate about your career, be closer to God and friends and family, explore and try something new. You will always be happy if you are able to be happy alone, because they only true thing you are guaranteed in this life is yourself. So go out there and be the best person you can be, and when the time is right, someone will come to you - when you least expect them to.
Sincerely, McKinnley ➳♥
So for this period of time, I had been slightly upset and anxious over not having someone to do these things with. I am still very independent and busy with my life but I began to feel a lack of love and support that I felt I might be needing to find in a man.
It has taken me my whole life and probably will take me much more of it to realize that I don't need to find love and support in someone else, though it might be nice to share a love and support with someone else, I realized that I needed to find it in myself first.
I think the best part about being single is being able to learn about you and who you really are: what you like, what you dislike, what's important to you, how you like to spend your time, how you act outside of a relationship, and what you are truly looking for in your next. I always say that you can't love another until you learn to love yourself first. You can't expect someone to save you, fix you, or love you until you can do this all for yourself. And until you get comfortable being alone, you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of love or loneliness.
So how do we do this? How do we get comfortable being alone and be happy being single?
One: Remember that a significant other should complement your life (not complete it) - If you feel empty or incomplete because you are single, I would recommend some inner soul searching (I've had to do this many times). You should be happy with or without a significant other, and if you aren't, then maybe you should question "are you happy with yourself?" Don't look for happiness in another person because people come and go and change all of the time. But if you choose happiness in yourself, no matter your relationship label, you will be content with or without someone there, because you know you can be happy with just you, and the extra person is just an added bonus. ;)
Two: Use this time to find yourself! People often get lost in a relationship, especially in long term ones because you grow with that person and spend years of your life with them by your side. So when they aren't, you often feel lost and confused, like you don't know who you are without them. Take this time to reflect on your life. What do you want from life? What are your goals? Are you happy where you are now? What are you passionate about? What do you like to do? What are you looking for in others? What are you looking for in you? - Find what energizes you and purse it. Find things that make you happy and do them often. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new. Do something you never thought you could do alone. Learn how to live alone. Learn how to take care of your own money, how to manage your own bills, your own schedule, and do things around the house you never thought you could. Learn to love every inch of yourself and this will radiate onto others! If you love you, others can't help but love you too. Be confident and know that you can do anything you set your mind to.
Three: Diversify you friend group and find others to lean on for support and guidance. Having a good friend group is, in my opinion, the key to being able to be happy single. Find friends who will support you, love you, and do things with you. Find other single people to be inspired by and to reflect with. I'm not saying having friends in relationships is a bad thing because it's not at all, it just at times can make you upset or jealous of their relationships and steer you off of your soul-searching path. Get closer to your family, catch up with relatives or long-lost friends. If you're having a bad day, shift your focus to others. Go out with friends, help someone out, volunteer, get involved in a club/ministry/team, whatever you can do to shift your focus off of yourself and onto someone else, which will help you make more friends and feel good about yourself.
Four: Embrace your new freedom wholeheartedly. If you feel like going on a spontaneous trip, a shopping spree, pampering yourself, going out and partying, binge-watching your favorite shows, or burying your head in a book; do it! You no longer have to consult anyone or answer to anyone. You can do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. You also now have more alone time and time to focus on you and all the things you've been "meaning to do" or putting off because your significant other didn't want to or couldn't. Another positive is that you no longer have to deal with anyone else's problems, baggage, or negativity. You can focus on your own, if you have any, and learn how to turn them into positives in you life so you don't bring them into another future relationship.
Live a full life - don't wait for another person to do the things you've always wanted to do.
Five: Build and deepen your relationship with God or a higher power. If you have a healthy and loving relationship with God, a relationship that is based on honesty, trust, and encourages vulnerability, you will be able to bring this strength and deep rooted love into a relationship with a future significant other. A thriving relationship with Christ teaches you that a relationship shouldn't be performance based but built on commitment and sacrifice. The Bible tells us all about relationship truths, and that you need to offer grace and love even if you don't feel like it. Relationships take work and are by no means easy, so if you don't know how to sacrifice or don't value others sacrifices, you will never truly be able to grasp a healthy, honest, happy and vulnerable relationship.
So, embrace being single. So what if you are alone right now! Embrace it. Go shopping alone. Go get coffee alone. Go for a drive alone. Watch movies alone. Get to know yourself. Nothing bad can come from riding whatever wave to self-improvement you're blessed with in this exact moment.
And here are just some words of advice to anyone who stresses being single:
1. Remember that the older you get, the faster relationships progress. You have time, don't worry.
2. Society's pressure is always there no matter what stage of life you're in, so don't think it's just because of where you are now.
3. Remember that if you wanted to be in a relationship, you would be. You just have standards and don't settle for people who aren't right for you.
4. You have all the time in the world to learn and find exactly what you are looking for.
5. Congrats - You aren't in a relationship with the WRONG person right now!
So keep doing you. Keep finding yourself. Keep learning how to be happy being alone. It doesn't come in a day or a week or even a month. It takes time, but it is so worth it. When things are meant to be, they will be. Maybe right now isn't your time to be with someone else. Maybe God is trying to tell you that it is time for you to focus on you: to pursue a hobby, be passionate about your career, be closer to God and friends and family, explore and try something new. You will always be happy if you are able to be happy alone, because they only true thing you are guaranteed in this life is yourself. So go out there and be the best person you can be, and when the time is right, someone will come to you - when you least expect them to.
Sincerely, McKinnley ➳♥
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