THE GOOD & THE BAD

MAGNIFICENTLY MCKINNLEY: Blog #9

Good Afternoon and Welcome Back to the Blog! It has been quite a bit since I have posted to the blog, and for that I am sorry! I know I mentioned in my Instagram story that I have been personally going through some stuff, I would love to talk about that with all of you, before I get into the blog. Now, something everyone may not know about me is that I internalize A LOT of my feelings. This is something I have always done and have never really been able to teach myself how not to do. I am very good at hiding how I am actually feeling with a smile or a laugh, which I often do. I usually disguise how I am actually feeling because I don't like to let others know how I truly feel. I like to pride myself in being a fun, outgoing, loving person, but sometimes that just isn't who I am. I struggle a lot with going through ups and downs in my emotions, which everyone does I imagine. Sometimes things are great, and sometimes I don't want to leave my bed for the day. Recently, I have been struggling a lot with my own happiness and how I feel. I can't exactly pinpoint why I feel the way I do, sometimes it just hits me, like all of the motional baggage I carry and constantly push away, just catches up to me all at once and I have to figure out how to dig myself out of it again. Most days recently, I have no desire to do anything, like writing, which is usually something I enjoy. I think I always have a constant battle with happiness in my life, because I have been through a lot of things that have made me unhappy. I have to get up everyday and work constantly to make it a purpose to make myself happy. And sometimes I just don't have the energy to do so, like I have recently. I am a pretty closed off person emotionally, but I have come a long way, like being able to share things about me with all of you. So I hope you can all understand where I am coming from and forgive me for no being inspired enough to write at times. We all go through our own personal things and sometimes we just need a break from it all to figure it out and make it better. I am trying to work on me again and make me happy, because making yourself happy is the most important thing in life and should come first before all else. And like I said I used to put such an emphasis on making myself happy in my life, but recently I have fallen off of the horse or whatever metaphor you would like to place there. But anyway, relating to all of this, today I am going to be discussing 3 good things and 3 bad things that have happened to me in the past year. 

Now these aren't necessarily good or bad in a sense, they are just things I feel have either had a positive impact on my life in the past year or a negative impact. 

So first lets start with the negatives because I like to get those out of the way first: 

1. I have become a much unhappier person. As I mentioned above I have really been struggling with making myself happy. I feel like last year I made such a point out of working so hard to find my happiness and work really hard on me and being comfortable with myself and who I was, but this year I think that I have kind of placed this task on the back burner. I think the factors of school and work and friendships and relationships and faith and personal growth have all been things that have played into my more "unhappy" state. I think the stress and constant work towards these things have finally caught up to me and I have just been mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I feel as if at times I am too tired to keep up with all of things I try to balance in my life, which is why I think I am at where I am today, unhappy. I have lost touch with my friends, my family, my faith, and myself and I wish it wasn't this way. I just have felt truly disconnected from my life, from others around me, from my work, and from my relationship with God. These are all things I used to wake up everyday and work endlessly at to make myself happy, but as I said, I am exhausted. I hope that I can get back on track and begin to work hard at the things that make me truly happy because I need them back in my life. Being happy takes work, it is not something that just comes naturally. And I used to be so good at putting an emphasis on this but I have just had so many other factors put in place that have blocked my ability and my ambition to pursue my own personal happiness. 

2. I have lost many connections with the people around me. I think that this is something that is also playing into my recent unhappy state. I pride myself in having amazing relationships with the people around me, but recently I feel as though many of these relationships have fallen off of the wagon. People get busy and have their own lives to live, which I am not blind to the fact of because I for once have a very busy life and am always doing things. I think the fact of the matter is the effort, in which I feel is a vital part of any relationship with others. I am a person who values a genuine, deep connection, which is why I only have a select few people in my life that I truly trust and cherish. I am a creature of socialization and not being able to socialize and be present with the people I want to be present with most because we are all busy, is something that has truly been saying on me in the past few months. My inner circle is my support system and I think that, though I handle most of everything on my own, I truly do value and cherish being able to lean on others around me when I need to, which I haven't been able to do. I hope that these connections become stronger in the future, because I don't want them to stay as how they are now. I have never truly felt as lonely as I have in these past few months and I know that this has been playing into my emotional standstill and the moment. I value being able to be a support to my friends and family and having them being a support to me, but this has just not been the case recently, so I hope in the near future it will change. 

3. I have lost touch with my faith. I value being a faithful woman. I have come so far in my faith and my relationship with God, but recently I have become so busy and consumed with my emotions that I have forgot to put my faith in the Lord above all else. I used to go to church every Sunday, read my bible every night, write devotionals, and pray for everything in my life. But recently I have been missing a few Sundays, skipping over my journalling and reading, and praying only for things I want and not thanking God for everything I have been given. My faith is truly therapeutic for me and is a huge aspect of my life and so I really need to work on putting God back at the center of my life and letting all my other problems fall to the wayside. 

Okay so now onto the positives in my life over the past year: 

1. All of the incredible people I have met. I love to meet new people and develop new relationships with others. By all of the things I have participated in over the last year I have truly met some incredible, loving, inspirational and amazing people. I love when someone truly impacts my life in ways I never thought they would. And I love to be able to impact others in ways I never though I could either. I truly am a people person so I am so glad when I meet new people and get to learn about them. So if I have just met you over this past year or have become closer to you over this past year, I want to thank you for truly impacting my life and for welcoming me into you life. 

2. I finished my first year of GRAD SCHOOL and graduated with a Bachelor's degree! This is something have never thought in a million years I would have been able to do. In a past blog I talked all about how I graduated early and was able to fast track my educational life, and I am so glad I was able to. Don't get me wrong, it was hard and stressful and took a lot of hard work and dedication, but it was all worth it. So if you are out there working toward a goal that seem impossible, KEEP GOING! Keep pushing, because it will all be worth it. Nothing is truly impossible if you set you mind to it and work at it. You got this and you will get there, I promise!

3. I got to travel to a new place and serve others!! In March I participated in another service trip, which I got to lead, and went to Denver, CO! I had never been to Colorado and I had never lead a service trip before. It was such a new and exciting experience that I will never forget.  I met so many amazing people between the people I lead and the people we served. I was so enamored by these incredible people and all of the hard work and dedication they put in to helping others. It was truly an experience I will never forget and am so thankful I was able to be apart of. Service is a huge aspect of my life. Not to mention, we also got to see some incredible views at the Red Rock Amphitheater and explore the city of Denver. This was definitely a highlight of my year so far and I am so grateful for being able to participate in it. 

Okay so that concludes this blog! I hope all got to learn a bit more about me and know that I am not perfect. I go through many ups and downs and struggle with many things, but at the end of the day, it is these things that shape me and make me into a better person. I am so thankful for the ups and downs, even if during the downs I don't seem like it. I want you all to know that it is okay to not be at you best all of the time and that things will go wrong. What matters is how you deal with those things and how you come out on top. You got this, keep going. Remember: Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall. 

Sincerely, McKinnley ↬